my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize