I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
