Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
