Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
