I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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