Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
