you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
