Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
