I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
