I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
