Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
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I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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