I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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