i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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