Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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