i can't believe i had my finger in that
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
