WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
