I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
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