Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
