Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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