i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
you never un-have a 4some
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
