The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
