Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
So here I am, sexting at work.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
