Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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