i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
