So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
