Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
