I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
where does the pee come out of this thing
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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