i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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