So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
