I accidentally had phone sex last night
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
