For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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