She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
