You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
is wine microwaveable?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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