Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
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