I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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