Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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