Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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