How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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