went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
