My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
