And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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