now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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