I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
