Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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