Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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