your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
