I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
