i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
