There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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