LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
