Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
