Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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