the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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