If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
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