My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
