just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
