you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
