I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
