if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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