You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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