i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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